Ground Zero - Laying it all out there…
Hi. Just call me M.
My sister and I call each other by the first letter of our first name. So I am just M and she is just S. It’s simple. It works. I love it. So just call me M.
This is my blog to inspire, motivate, and track my journey to health.
I have struggled with my weight all growing up. I have always believed I was “big boned,” but one year ago I lost a LOT of weight and realized i actually have little bones! :)
While I would deny it to anyone who asked me or confronted me about it, but i think i was anorexic and bulimic. i am not proud of it. i remember joking around with me friends in high school saying that i would never fall into that trap, that i was above it, that i was too good for doing something like that to my body… but then the end of my senior year rolled around and things were spiraling out of control and i just wanted to be loved, noticed, be my best, and be beautiful. i started becoming obsessed with recording what i ate… to be honest i don’t really know how it all started. one memory i have is eating a lot of cake at my sisters college graduation party and then feeling guilty, then locking myself in the bathroom to throw it up. then i would go back and eat more cake.
then came the cycle were i would not eat any dessert or really anything at all, but i would pretend i would. I would pretend to eat a cookie, a slice of bread, or a piece of cake and then tell my friends and family how good it was, so then they would eat it and i would feel good that i tricked them into eating it when i really didn’t. i know this is wrong, but i just couldn’t stop myself.
during the summer my weight was plummeting. to be honest, i had a rocking body. it was pure muscle. i wasn’t just skinny, i was really muscular, because i would go to the gym and lift weights a lot. everyone started to notice. my parents were getting calls asking if I was alright. it kind of bugged me that people were saying i was too thin, but at the same time i kind of enjoyed it.
By august i was approaching double digits on the scale. the lowest i actually weighed myself has 103 pounds, but that was after a whole day of binge eating.
so here is were the turn for the worst comes. so many people started confronting me about my weight. i became so paranoid and ticked off. my brother would degrade me and i would ball my eyes out. my best friends sat me down and asked me about it… i cried. I was so scared at what i was doing but i couldn’t stop. So i started to eat and eat and eat. i would binge on so much food that my stomach would get so distended and hurt so bad that i would just lay down and cry myself to sleep. this cycle went from september to june. once i started this binge cycle i couldn’t stop. instead of going from extreme limiting of food, i went to the opposite extreme of hoarding loads of food.
So here i am i have gained about 40 pounds in one year. i slightly disgust myself, but i want to become healthy again. i want to have the definition in my arms. I want to fit into all the clothes i have outgrown. i want to be pretty again. i want to be noticed. i want to be the best i can be. i want to break free of the bonds that have held me captive to my disordered view of food. i want to be the best me i can be.